Forgiveness

Everyone has been hurt by someone at some point in their life.  Whether it is due to an action or words, each one of us can say that someone has hurt us.  When this happens, we are left with these wounds that seem to hurt deep down in our soul.  We wonder how we are ever going to get through this.  We wonder why has this happened to us.  And in all this wondering, we find ourselves becoming very angry and very bitter towards the person who hurt us.  Sometimes we even feel like we need to gain some type of vengeance towards them.

So what is forgiveness?  What does it mean?  Why should I forgive someone who hurt me this bad?  Why does it seem so easy to hold a grudge over forgiveness?  What does this grudge and resentment end up costing me in the end?  Better yet...where do I start to begin the process of forgiveness?

Back in November, I met this guy.  From the start, we just clicked.  We had so much in common and I found myself wanting my days to get over quickly so that I could skype with him at night and just smile.  Long story short, I invested 6 months of my life into this guy.  Always being there, always emailing, sending packages and cards to him in Afghanistan, counting down the days for him to come home, planning things for when he did come home.

For 6 months, I dealt with the ups and the downs.  I listened to him tell me how much I meant to him.  How he was thankful for me because he didn't know how he could have gotten through all of this without me.  I listened as he told me those three little words, "I love you" and how he made me believe that that was how he truly felt.  So I let him in.  I allowed myself to let down my guard and trust him with all that I had.  After all, isn't that what you are suppose to do when you "love " someone?

But boy was the joke on me!  After sitting there and telling me all these things, he eventually broke my heart.  He wanted someone else and I was left standing there wondering why I wasn't good enough.  I thought for weeks about everything and thought that maybe we could be "just friends."  So I got over it and decided to be his friend.

But once again, joke was on me and in the end I was left with no goodbye, no explanation to his actions, nothing.  I counted down the days for him to come home only for some other girl to enjoy it and to be ignored.  I once again felt like I wasn't good enough...not even good enough to be friends.  I was angry.  I wanted to find this girl and tell her all the things he had told me and to warn her of the type of guy he really was.  How everything out of his mouth was lies.

I was hurt and I wondered how I could let someone do this to me.  How could I allow someone to control my life in such a way to make me think I wasn't good enough.  That I was unlovable.  That I wasn't worth all that I gave.  He made me feel all these things and more.

Some time has passed now and I've thought about a lot of what happened in those 6 months.  I kicked myself for allowing someone to use me the way that he did.  I hated myself for not seeing all the signs that were in flashing lights about walking away a long time ago.  I realized I was drawn to the desire of being loved and not the desire to be in love with someone who wanted to love me unconditionally.

So I ask again, how do you start the process of forgiveness??  How do I forgive him for everything he did to me?  How he made me feel?  How do I forgive him for using me to get what he needed?

I guess you just have to sit back and think about what forgiveness is.  What value does it bring to your life?  What is its importance in your life at any given moment in time?  Do I reflect on the facts of the situation?  How I have reacted?  How do I know when I'm ready to forgive?

I think I reached the point of forgiveness when I decided he wasn't important to me in my life anymore.  I decided that I wasn't going to forgive him and how he used me, but that I was going to forgive him so that my heart could heal and move on.  I am not denying the responsibility of how he hurt me or trying to minimize or even justify the wrong that he did.  I am forigvining him because forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.  I have moved away from my roll as victim and have released the control and power he had over me in my life.  I now know that I will no longer define my life by how I have been hurt.  Forgiveness, it brings a peace that helps you go on with life.

"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person by an emotional link that is stronger than steel.  Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."

~Catherine Ponder~