Forgiveness

Everyone has been hurt by someone at some point in their life.  Whether it is due to an action or words, each one of us can say that someone has hurt us.  When this happens, we are left with these wounds that seem to hurt deep down in our soul.  We wonder how we are ever going to get through this.  We wonder why has this happened to us.  And in all this wondering, we find ourselves becoming very angry and very bitter towards the person who hurt us.  Sometimes we even feel like we need to gain some type of vengeance towards them.

So what is forgiveness?  What does it mean?  Why should I forgive someone who hurt me this bad?  Why does it seem so easy to hold a grudge over forgiveness?  What does this grudge and resentment end up costing me in the end?  Better yet...where do I start to begin the process of forgiveness?

Back in November, I met this guy.  From the start, we just clicked.  We had so much in common and I found myself wanting my days to get over quickly so that I could skype with him at night and just smile.  Long story short, I invested 6 months of my life into this guy.  Always being there, always emailing, sending packages and cards to him in Afghanistan, counting down the days for him to come home, planning things for when he did come home.

For 6 months, I dealt with the ups and the downs.  I listened to him tell me how much I meant to him.  How he was thankful for me because he didn't know how he could have gotten through all of this without me.  I listened as he told me those three little words, "I love you" and how he made me believe that that was how he truly felt.  So I let him in.  I allowed myself to let down my guard and trust him with all that I had.  After all, isn't that what you are suppose to do when you "love " someone?

But boy was the joke on me!  After sitting there and telling me all these things, he eventually broke my heart.  He wanted someone else and I was left standing there wondering why I wasn't good enough.  I thought for weeks about everything and thought that maybe we could be "just friends."  So I got over it and decided to be his friend.

But once again, joke was on me and in the end I was left with no goodbye, no explanation to his actions, nothing.  I counted down the days for him to come home only for some other girl to enjoy it and to be ignored.  I once again felt like I wasn't good enough...not even good enough to be friends.  I was angry.  I wanted to find this girl and tell her all the things he had told me and to warn her of the type of guy he really was.  How everything out of his mouth was lies.

I was hurt and I wondered how I could let someone do this to me.  How could I allow someone to control my life in such a way to make me think I wasn't good enough.  That I was unlovable.  That I wasn't worth all that I gave.  He made me feel all these things and more.

Some time has passed now and I've thought about a lot of what happened in those 6 months.  I kicked myself for allowing someone to use me the way that he did.  I hated myself for not seeing all the signs that were in flashing lights about walking away a long time ago.  I realized I was drawn to the desire of being loved and not the desire to be in love with someone who wanted to love me unconditionally.

So I ask again, how do you start the process of forgiveness??  How do I forgive him for everything he did to me?  How he made me feel?  How do I forgive him for using me to get what he needed?

I guess you just have to sit back and think about what forgiveness is.  What value does it bring to your life?  What is its importance in your life at any given moment in time?  Do I reflect on the facts of the situation?  How I have reacted?  How do I know when I'm ready to forgive?

I think I reached the point of forgiveness when I decided he wasn't important to me in my life anymore.  I decided that I wasn't going to forgive him and how he used me, but that I was going to forgive him so that my heart could heal and move on.  I am not denying the responsibility of how he hurt me or trying to minimize or even justify the wrong that he did.  I am forigvining him because forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.  I have moved away from my roll as victim and have released the control and power he had over me in my life.  I now know that I will no longer define my life by how I have been hurt.  Forgiveness, it brings a peace that helps you go on with life.

"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person by an emotional link that is stronger than steel.  Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."

~Catherine Ponder~

#35 - Go to a movie by myself

Going to a movie alone....is it pathetic or is it brave?  After all, people today think one of these two things.  You are either pathetic and a loser because you are in a movie all alone.  Or they could be thinking that you are brave because you are capable of sitting by yourself and enjoying the movie.

So I did it.  I finally went to a movie all by myself.  No one to hold my hand.  No one to sit next to me.  Just me.  Alone.  In a seat.  Enjoying my movie.

Before tonight I was one of those people that thought "loser" because someone was sitting alone.  I became that "loser" tonight and in becoming that person I realized this....

I am not a loser.  I am brave.  I am brave because I confronted my fear that society has put on us about being alone.  I am brave because I marched into a crowded theater, popcorn in tow, and plopped down right there in the front row.  Ok...so maybe that part about being in the front row wasn't my choice.  But as I walked towards the front I held my head high and told myself that I could do this.  That I have no shame in my game.  That I, Amy Kathryn, had friends but this was MY CHOICE to enjoy a movie with my other three friends....me, myself, and I.

So I sat there and watched this movie.  I laughed at the funny parts, teared up at "those moments", and completely enjoyed the movie that I saw.  And during this time, for the first time in my life, I didn't have a care what someone else was thinking.  I realized that they weren't there to sit and poke fun of someone sitting alone...people were there to watch a movie.  And even if they were, who cares, I felt liberated to know that I can confront my fears and know I will be ok.

After all....I did survive the great "movie by yourself" and I'm here to blog about it....

Movie: $10.50

Popcorn and Soda: $11.85

Crossing off another Day Zero Item: Priceless

Ok...so my ticket was paper and got a little beaten from setting it down in something on the counter.  Oops!!

"Language has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone.  And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.

~Paul Johannes Tillich~

Dear Stranger

Dear Stranger,
I know that I don't know you and that you also don't know me, but I have some things to ask of you, on which we should agree.  Do you think it is fair to ask that you will never break my heart?  That you will value me as a person - even from the very start?  Do you think you could promise that you will never tell a lie, that you will never ever betray me, or ever make me cry?

Do you think you might want to love me?  To adore my every quirk without ever belittling me or ever acting like a total jerk?  Do you think you would want nothing more than all I could give?  And have the things I do for you be just what you need to live?  Could you tolerate my worst moods and not get upset with me?  Would you let me win a fight or two when we start to disagree?

Do you think it is fair to ask that you not hook up with all my friends?  Will you be faithful to only me until the end?  Do you think you could not judge me and accept me for me?  Will you never keep things hidden?  Will you never make me feel lonely?

I need to know these things.  I need to know that you can do them before I even know your name.  Because if you can't, then tell me so because  I am done with the games.  So here is your chance to be honest, can you be everything that I need?  If you think it is too much to ask, then we shouldn't proceed.  I'm not asking for a lot....I'm just asking for a man.

Love,
"Me"

"Keep love in your heart.  A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.  The consciousness of loving and being loved brings warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring."

~Oscar Wilde~