Never Forgotten....

So today mark's another year.  Another year without my beautiful mother in my life.  Another year of all the things she's missed out on.  Another year....that makes 15.

I still remember it like it was yesterday.  Waking up to my dad yelling and finding my mom on the floor.  Freaking out because I didn't know what was going on as I was told to wait outside for the ambulance.  Seeing her in the hospital...thinking to myself she was going to be ok because she was up and walking around.  Only to find out later in life that she was making sure to tie up the loose ends before her final days on earth were over.

It was a Wednesday.  I remember her coming home...hospice was there.  I remember her asking me for a glass of water.  I remember her last words to me were "thank you." I remember standing there thinking...this is not happening.  I remember not being able to breathe after her last breath.  I remember my world came crashing down.  I remember it all.

It never gets any easier.  I often wonder what life would be like if she were still here.  How much different my life would've been.  Would I have made all the mistakes I made?  Would I be the person I am today?  I know I can't play the "what if" game...but it's just so hard not to when moments like this come around.

Today I will send off my red balloon into the air in remembrance of her.  I will send it off knowing she is in a better place and not hurting anymore.  Today will be a day of thanks and celebration for the time that I did have with her.  So I thank you....

Dad - For making what could've been the worst senior year possibly the best one I could've had.  You were there for every volleyball and basketball game and always supportive.  I love you more than any words can say...even when I don't want to show it.

Kristin - For having to grow up a lot quicker and help take care of us and allowing me to have my senior year and for being the crafty K.B.  I may not always tell you but I love you so much and I'm thankful to have a big sister that I can annoy the crap out of  :)

Laura - For growing up to be a smart and beautiful young woman and not letting such a tragedy turn you on to the wrong path.  You are amazingly wonderful and I couldn't ask for a better little sister.  I love you tooooooo!!!

Kris - For being my rock.  You gave up everything that summer just to be with me.  I don't think I can ever thank you enough for those days were we would just ride around in your purple truck and sing at the top of our lungs ..."if you like pina coladas...."   You made me laugh more than I thought I could that summer....

Jamie - For being my best friend.  I don't know what I would've done without you that last year in Lake Mount.  I'm sorry we've strayed so far away from each other...but don't ever doubt for one second that I've ever stopped appreciating you for all that you helped me get through.

Wesley - For letting me not give up on everything when all I wanted to do was walk away.  As much as I hate you...I still love you.  You'll always have a special place in my heart and I'll always remember how much my mother thought of you....still don't understand it though...haha.

Dan - Last but not least....for helping me get over heartaches and lonely nights.  Project Graduation was probably the best night of my life that year.  You always knew how to make me smile and laugh...and you were always there when I needed someone most.


With that I leave you with this....if you have your mom in your life still...call her up and tell her you love her because you never know when the last time will be.  Be thankful and feel blessed.

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."

1 Peter 5:10 (NIV)

Life's A Garden. Dig It.

1) Be careful who you open up to.  Only a few people actually care, the rest just want to have something to gossip about.

2) Don't ever say you aren't good enough.  If he can't see how amazing you are, then he's not the one who's good enough.

3) Don't spend your life looking for the "perfect" guy while ignoring the guy that isn't perfect but always puts a smile on your face.

4) Sometimes, you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand back up taller than you ever were.

5) Every time you date someone with an issue that you have to work to ignore, you're settling.

6) Don't tell guys about your problems, the last thing they want is a girl with drama.

7) A morning text doesn't only mean "good morning."  It also means "I think about you when I wake up."

8) Life is totally fair.  We just see the unfair because it's either we expect too much or we always give up.

9) Don't worry, you may think you'll never get over it, but you also thought it would last forever.

10) Never look back.  If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe, she wouldn't have become a princess.

11) So many girls are worried about chasing boys that they forget to chase their dreams.

12) Move on.  It is just a chapter in the past, but don't close the book - just turn the page.

13) Love is blind.  Want proof?  Your mother started loving you before she ever saw your face.

14) Being in a relationship is full-time job, don't apply if you're not ready.

15) In life, you're going to be left out, talk about, lied to, and used....but you have to decide who's worth your tears and who's not.

 

Questions to Ponder

I meant to post this last night but I guess better late than never, huh!? 

I've done a lot of thinking lately about various things in my life.  Many of which will be revealed over the months to come, but for now...these 4 particular items just kind of stuck out.  So here is a little something for you to think about I suppose.....

1) Why are we so overly impressed by and obsessed with objects and achievement of immense scale when it is actually the tiny things that when put together make big things possible?

2) Why do we try to create our own little worlds so we have the illusion of being completely in control of our entire existence when we know with absolute certainty that we are not?

3) Why do we go on and on about individuality being the very essence of who we are and then accept a very degrading level of conformity in virtually every facet of our lives?

4) Why do we feel drawn together as a species yet we build up defensive barriers around our innermost feelings and beliefs so we can never be truly close to anyone?

Not sure I have the answers to these...but that's what has been on my mind lately.  I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and maybe one day all the questions I have about life will become clear.

"It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts."

*~*K.T. Long*~*

#53 - Answer "50 Questions that will free your mind"

Another Day Zero item done.  50 questions is a lot and some I had to really think about.  Hope you enjoy!! :)  G'nite moon....


1) How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
25.  I get told all the time I don't look my age.

2) Which is worse, failing or never trying?
I think never trying is the worst. If you don't try you will never know what could be and even if you do fail, it just gives you a lesson learned for you to try again.

3) If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don't like and like so many thing we don't do?
We do so many things we don't like because they are sometimes things that we have to do to live our lives. As for liking so many things we don't do, I think that is our way of being able to dream for things so that we always have something to look forward too.

4) When it's all said and done, will you have said more than you've done?
I am hoping I have done more than I said.  It's why I started my day zero project.  I got tired of saying "I'm going to do that one day!"  Well why say it...just do it...right??

5) What is the one thing you'd most like to change about the world?
Hatred.  It causes so much complications.  Why can't we just be respectful of each other and get along?

6) If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
My happiness is baking.  I would bake all day long and make others happy with my tasty treats!

7) Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
I am doing what I believe in now because I got tired of settling.

8) If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
I would have lived my life in such a way that I had no regrets.  That I lived every minute to the fullest.  Wild and crazy screaming "WHAT.A.RIDE."

9) To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
I didn't take control of my life until I decided I didn't like where it was going on it's on.  So I decided to go back to school and get my degree in Accounting.  I know work in an Accounting firm that has a division with my dream job in it and so I'm working my way into my dream job now!

10) Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
I would have to say that I am more worried about doing things right because I am such an OCD perfectionist.  I don't have to worry about doing the right things because I know what those are.  My mother made sure I knew how to do the right thing.

11) You're having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
I would just sit there and listen and when they ask my opinion about something I would tell them that I am not getting into the middle of this because that person is my friend.  If I feel like something needs to be said to defend then I will say.  Otherwise everyone is entitled to their own opinion so who am I to make corrections?

12) If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
If I could only offer one piece of advice it would be..."Don't worry so much about what other people think of you. Live in the moment and live your life the way that you want. After all, those that matter don't mind and those that do don't matter."

13) Would you break the law to save a loved one?
Depends on what the law was and how much "hard time" I would have to do if I got caught.  But if my loved one loved me...why would I have to be breaking the law for them in the first place??

14) Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
Every day my mind starts to work!  I think of all these insane ideas in my head and later try to figure out how to put it all together and when it does come together...it's like I'm a genius!

15) What's something you know you do differently than most people?
Forgive. I don't hold grudges and I always forgive. We are only human and who I am to say I am better than you. Sometimes I get taken advantage of for this, but in the end, I walk away knowing I'm going to be ok because I have peace in my heart from my forgiveness.

16) How come the things that make you happy don't make everyone happy?
If the same thing made everyone happy, it would be a boring world. We are individuals and that is what makes life interesting.

17) What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What's holding you back?
The one thing that I really want to do is travel/backpack through Europe.  For so long it was the money holding me back and while that is partially still true, the other part is that I can't just take off 2 months of my job and gallop all over the world now.


18) Are you holding on to something that you need to let go of?
Absolutely. And once I can let go of this...I truly believe that I will feel more free and happy to live my life.

19) If you had to move to a state or country besides that one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
If I could do it all over again, I would've applied for the job as an accountant with the Navy in Naples, Italy. Why? Because it is gorgeous over there and would give me the opportunity to take little weekend get aways to see all the things over there that I have wanted to see.

20) Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
I push the button more than once when it doesn't light up. And sometimes I'll push the button a million times just because I can. And no, I don't believe it will make the elevator go faster. I just like to push the button.

21) Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
I would rather be a joyful simpleton. Simplicity can speak so much louder when we take a step back to enjoy what simple things are in our lives and appreciate them more.

22) Why are you, you?
I am me because that's who I was made to be. I am because of the paths in life I have taken. I am me because of choices I have made. I am me because I have learned from my mistakes. And let's face it...I am me because someone has to be this amazing. :)

23) Have you ever been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
Yes.  I feel like I am good to my friends and that I try to put their thoughts/feelings first to make them happy/smile.  Sometimes I have the tendency to do too much for my friends and I forget about myself.  So maybe if I treat myself like I treat some of my friends...life would be so much better.

24) Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
I think losing touch with a good friend who lives right near me is worse. It just goes to show you that maybe you weren't really friends to begin with if you can't make the time to see each other or even talk to each other.

25) What are you most grateful for?
I am most grateful for my mistakes. For without them, I wouldn't have learned many things in my life and I wouldn't have become who I am today.

26) Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
I think I would rather lose all of my old memories because if I was always able to make new ones, it would push me to keep making new ones so that at that moment in time, I could sit back and enjoy what I was experiencing a little more.

27) Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
Yes.  The truth is fact.  Why would you challenge a fact?  If you would challenge the truth, maybe it is just a truth that you don't want to hear.

28) Has your greatest fear every come true?
Absolutely.  July 16, 1997.  A day that will never be forgotten.  I was only 17 when I watched my mother pass away right before my eyes.
29) Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
Yes, I can remember what I was extremely upset about 5 years ago because it was a big incident in my life. Does it really matter now? In some ways, yes...in others no. But in the grand scheme of things, I would have to say no because I eventually got thru it and became a stronger person for it.

30) What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
I would have to say that my happiest childhood memory would be of Christmas. It's special because it reminds me so much of my mother and all the things she did at Christmas time. The smell of Christmas, the decorations, the neatly wrapped presents under the tree. All these things remind me of her so much and make me love Christmas as a kid.

31) At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
July 16, 2011 - Every year I do something on this day to remind me to enjoy life.  On this particular year I decided to go ziplining.  But not just a fun in the sun zipline.  No.  I did a full moon zipline.  There was nothing better than the feeling of the midnight air rushing by your face as you are flying the the tree tops with your eyes closed.  I must admit for like the first...well almost all of them...I was scared out of my mind.  It wasn't until the last one that I just let go of the rope and leaned back and closed my eyes that I truly felt alive.  It was the most amazing feeling in the world.

32) If not now, then when?
If not now, then when the time is appropriate.  Everything in life happens on its own timeline so I've learned to just be as patient as I can be and let life go on.

33) If you haven't achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
Nothing I suppose.  Achievements validate all the hard work you put into whatever it was.  So I guess if you don't achieve your goal then all you lose is the time you put into it.
34) Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
Absolutely.  My best friend is the ONLY person that I can do this with.  No matter how much time goes by and no matter what is going on with me.  She is always there and knows me better than myself.  She is the type of person that could sit there with me and we could just walk away knowing what the other was thinking/saying for the best conversation.

35) Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
Because they don't know the true meaning of love.  If you stripe away all the "extras" that different religions come with and get down to the basis of what religion truly is....well then we are all equal. 

36) Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
I believe it is.  We learn very early what is good and what is bad.  It is just that as we grow up we have influences in our lives and it just depends on how we react to those influences that determines if we continue to choice to know good and evil.

37) If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
No. I would pay off things for me and my family and invest the rest. If I didn't work I think life would get boring and in today's world...a million dollars probably won't last as long as it would 100 years ago. Today it would probably only allow my to never pay for gas again...haha....

38) Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
I don't mind working and when I have less work to do then my mind wanders.  If I have work that I actually enjoy doing then I would probably be more productive because I wouldn't mind doing it.
39) Do you feel like you've lived this day a hundred times before?
YES!  Right now it is tax season so I feel like I'm living the same day over and over and over and over....20 more days to go!
40) When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
A couple of weeks ago when I signed up to be a rep for World Ventures and also a rep for Visalus.  I believe these two companies are great and want to share to the world on how to enjoy life by traveling or getting healthy...and making money at the same time.  It's all new and I'm learning as I go...but this is gonna be great!
41) If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
My dad.  He is my world.  Sure we have had disagreements and conflicts and we haven't always understood each other.  But at the end of the day I never once doubted how much he loved me. 

42) Would you be willing to reduce you life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
Negative ghost rider.  I don't want the "pressures" that come with being a celebrity and I want to know that someone loves me for me and not because I'm extremely attractive and can be arm candy.

43) What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
Being alive just means you get up and breathe and you go do the same thing over and over and over and over.  To truly live means you get up but each day offers a new adventure and you don't just settle for the every day routine.  You make the best of every moment.

44) When is it time to stop calculating risks and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
Now.  We spend too much of our time wondering how certain things effect our lives.  If we just take that jump...a leap of faith some may say...and just go for it...sometimes the risk and reward is worth it all.  So why sit there and think? Just do!!

45) If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
For me it is because I am an OCD perfectionists.  I don't like to make mistakes because it shows weakness.  I don't mind learning from my mistakes because they have made me who I am today and I feel that person is a way better version....but it is just hard sometimes to know that you make mistakes.

46) What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
I'm not sure I would do anything differently.  I try not to live my life based on what others think.  It's hard sometimes since I am such a people pleaser....but I guess I would just live more openly and free.  Dance like no one is watching as you might say.....

47) When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
Two nights ago when I was just laying in bed trying to get my mind to stop thinking so I could just sleep.  Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out....sometimes it's comforting....

48) What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
I love my family, my friends, and my Toby dog.  I have been trying recently to be a better sister/daughter/etc to my family and to my friends.  I love the people in my life and couldn't ask for more.  Toby is just icing on the cake...to come home to such a sweet loving dog who is always excited to see me no matter how crappy my day was just makes me smile.  Blessed.

49) In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
In 5 years from now I hope my life just continues to get better so that I don't have to remember what I was doing 5 years ago.  I want to focus on the future...not the past.  I could probably be able to give you a basics of what I was doing...but no details.  Sometimes I can't even remember what I did the day before.  Life's too short.  It's all about the here and now.

50) Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
I've finally decided that I need to make decisions for myself.  I need to stop trying to please everyone and their mother and just do what is best for me.  I am the only one I have to answer to and if I'm not happy...then what is the point?  My time is now.  They say the 30s are the best years of your life and I must admit...they've been pretty good so far.  So here's to you 30s and making decisions for myself!

Leap Year!!!

There is something that makes me smile when Leap Year happens.  I don't know if it is because every year I think of Aubrey and Jimmy Bronson and I laugh at how "technically" they are only 8 now.  (It's a good laugh...not a laughing at you)  Or maybe just because it seems like it is this special magical day because it only happens once in every 4 years.  It's a day of unlocked potential!!  Either way...I love leap year and it gives all those "almost March babies" a chance to be born in the best month ever!  So here's to you leap year babies.  May your lives be truly blessed with happiness....and incase you need instructions on how to do that...please read the chart below.  It's as easy as that!  :)

I know I know....not the most poetic post.  Just wanted to keep it short and sweet and try to put a little smile on at least one persons face!  

"Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential."

~Winston Churchill~

#37 - Find 10 Bible Verses That Mean Something to Me

Struggles.  We all have them.  It would be foolish of us to think that life is just this easy breezy full of colors and success thing that we go through.  It would be nice.  No worries.  No cares.  But if that is what life was, easy, then how would we ever know what we are capable of?

The other day I found myself under the covers thinking that I did not want to get out from underneath them.  It could be that I have the most comfortable bed in the world, but that day just felt different.  I didn't want to get up.  I didn't want to leave my little bubble.  I didn't want to have to deal with being strong.  I didn't want to deal with the struggles.  I didn't want to feel....anything.  I was broken.

As I laid there, I thought about all the different relationships that I had had in my life.  Parents, siblings, friends, boyfriends, etc.  Some of these people are such blessings in my life...others, well...let's just say I'm glad that they were only there for a fleeting moment in time.  In thinking of all those people, one person came to mind.  My grandfather.  I thought about all the cherished times I had with him and how I was blessed to see him right before his passing.  (It had been a long time since I had been home before that)

I remember him calling me the peanut gallery.  Or telling my sisters and I that that was a "NO PRESENT CHRISTMAS!  THE WELL WAS DRY!"  He use to ask me such challenging questions like, "How many pancakes does it take to shingle a dog house?"  Of course as a kid my thoughts were, why would you shingle a doghouse with pancakes?  I remember the love...the laughter...the good times.  It was in that thought process that I thought about the verse from his funeral.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.  A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to keep them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.  He has made everything beautiful in its time.  I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live."

~Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11-12

There is a time.  For everything.  Such powerful words.  I had my time to be broken and then I realized that it was my time to be healed.  My time to face the struggles and know that I could overcome them.  My time to define who I was going to become.  Determined.  Determined to not let what others say or do to me get me down.  Determined to accomplish more of my goals.  Determined to be a better version of myself.

Even with all that determination that I felt that day, I knew life still wouldn't be the easy breezy full of colors and success that I wanted it to be.  So I thought of that verse that motivated me to get up and out of bed that day and decided to find 10 verses that were inspirational to me.  Here they are...and another day zero item down...life.is.good.

1) 1 Peter 5:10

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."

2) Romans 5:3

"We rejoice in our suffering because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

3) Deuteronomy 31:6

"Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

4) Psalm 46:10

"Hey says, 'Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.'"

5)  Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the Lord with all your hear and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

6) 1 Corinthians 15:33

"Do not be mislead: Bad company corrupts good character."

7)  1 Samuel 16:7

"The Lord doesn't see things the way you see them.  People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

8)  Romans 8:18

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."

9) 1 Peter 3:14

"But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed.  'Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened.' Take courage."

10)  Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

What If??

Giving up.  It doesn't come easy and most of us try in our power not to do it. But when do you throw in the towel?  After all, the life you have is the life you were destined to have....or so I've been told.  It was meant to be.  But if that were true, why does everything else in this world seem to be so random?

What if one little small tiny thing I said or did differently could've changed my entire life?  What if I had chosen another life for myself?  What if I had been raised in a completely different way?  Better yet, what if my mother had never been sick and passed away?  What if I had never gone to the bar that night?  What if I would've just said goodbye the first time?  What if I didn't let my heart to be allowed to open itself up?  What if?

I know I can't sit here and play the what if game.  I am sure my  life would be completely different.  But it's just hard to think about what could be if you would've gone down a different path.  So I asked myself the other day when I found myself standing there at the crossroad....do I continue to go down the path I've always known or do I travel down the other path that might lead me to new places.  When do I throw in the towel and say I'm ready for something new?  When do I admit that the path I've been on seems to be just a lost cause?  I'm standing right now at the fork because it has all just become too much.  I'm tired.  I don't want to fight anymore....I want to give up.

So here is where the real work begins.  I need to find hope where there seems to be absolutely none.  None at all.  I realize life is a gift and that no matter how hard or how painful it can be at times, most things are just going to work out and I'm going to be ok.  As if these things were just destined to happen.

My mom would always tell me, "Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."  Well world...I'm not dead yet so I guess as each day goes by I find myself getting stronger.  More wise.  More independent.  More everything.  I know that this too shall pass and all the answers that I search for will eventually come to light.  If not...I guess I just wasn't meant to know them.

"You is kind.  You is smart.  You is important."

~Kathryn Stockett~