Hold On or Let Go

What am I holding on to?
I need so much but expect so little.
Is the sky falling or am I just floating?
Everything changes when you look at it a different way.
So much passion waiting to be released.
Get a grip and hold on tight - but yet - release the tension.
No one understands.
Maybe that's the whole point.

What are WE holding on to?
Each other?  Very tightly?

Don't let go or you could fall.
Or maybe if you do, you'll find all the answers you've been looking for.
Is the glass half empty or half full?
Either way, something is missing.
Something we are all in search for.
Or is it there and just not for our eyes?

Change who you are.
But stay the same.
Is reality your imagination?
The pain that you hate today could be what you long for tomorrow.
Don't let them tell you that you are insane.

Hold on.
Hold on tight to what you have and experience what you don't.
Feel it.
Do you feel it inside you?
The desire?
Don't be afraid to let it go.
For it will be gone tomorrow.

So what am I holding on to?

"Sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding on to"

Happily Ever After

As children, we grew up believing in the magic of fairy tales and happily ever after.  As little girls, we fantasized about prince charming and we built castles waiting for him to ride in on his white horse.  Even when we had our first puppy love as teenagers, we believed that first boyfriend would play this essential role of prince charming.  As women, we listen to all those perfect love songs played on the radio thinking that one day, he will come.  But with all this hoping and wishing and waiting, when it comes to relationships, is Cinderella just a fairy tale?

We have all seen the personal ads that read.....

"Patiently waiting for my Prince Charming"
"Looking for my Queen."
"In search of my Knight in Shining Armor"
"Wanting a good woman to treat like a Princess"

Well Prince, Princess, Queen, and Knight, what we all want to know is, "Where in the HELL are you?"

Who can blame us though for wanting the fairy tale?  You have little girls growing up believing in things like Sleeping Beauty and Snow White where this handsome prince rushes in to save the day.  You have little boys growing up believing that they are suppose to be the heroes and save the day to win over the princess.  And whatever side you are on, the outcome is still the same.  Happily Ever After.

What we fail to realize though is that they forget to show you the pain that "love" causes.  In these fairy tales there is no cheating, no lying, no jealousy, no complications.  It's just together forever in complete happiness.  What we fail to see is that love has a mind of it's own.  It can be crazy and wild and passionate.  But when love ends, so does the fairy tale, and all you are left with is a tragedy.  The tragedy of wondering if love really does exist.  You are left with the complications of tears, disappointments, and heartaches.  You are left with wondering if prince charming does exist and if you should still have the hope that one day he will show up at your front door.

So what now?  You've finally picked yourself up off the floor.  What do we do now that we've realized that Cinderella IS just a fairy tale?  How do we go about finding someone who can base a relationship off of trust and honesty?  How do we go about finding real love?  And if we are all sitting around waiting to be saved, who is doing the saving?

But that is just it - love isn't meant to save you.  That is not what love is for because no one can make you happy but yourself.  Love is just meant to be there and to let you know that you are not alone.  Maybe you need to be the princess before you can find the prince.  Because until you realize you are worthy of being the princess without the prince,  you're stuck waiting in a tower alone and all you are left with are the toads.

"The hardest thing in life is letting go of what you thought was real."

Day Zero Project

Day Zero Project?  What's this you may ask?  Well, let me explain.  It is a project where you have 1,001 days to complete 101 goals.  1,001 days is just short of 3 years.  In 3 years, I'll be 33 and if you know ANYTHING about me, you know that 33 is my number.  So with that said, let me explain why I am starting this project.

In an earlier blog (ok, so I've been super bad about keeping up with this and really it's the 1st blog a wrote out of the 3 that are posted on here so far)...I talked about how I wanted to live up my next 30 years.  So far, the beginning of my 30 years has been a rough one.  It started out great by spending it in Gatlinburg with some of the best friends a girl could have.  But like most things in my life, I get on this "life is great" high and then next thing you know, SPLAT!  There I am smooshed all over the road again by life.  Downhill from there it went.  I failed at getting a "big girl job."  I failed at trying to restore a friendship.  I failed at taking the CPA exam.  I failed at losing weight.  It just seemed to be one failure after another until one day I woke up and just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, mother nature decided to throw a tantrum and rain on my crap parade.  I lost my job.  I lost my job because the city decided to have a good 'ole flood.  I was stuck without an ark.

When that happened, I gave up.  I thought, "What's the point!?"  No matter how much I wanted to make a "new life" for myself or a "better life", it was like the dark side was saying, "Not today!  I win!" (insert evil laugh)  And so I fell into a deep depression.  I slept all day.  I didn't eat for days and then would turn around and just shove crap in my mouth.  Food and I are not always the best of friends.  It teases me screaming, "Eat me!  I'll comfort you!" and while that satisfaction is there for a brief moment, it never lasts forever.  So long story short, I was back at the pity party stage in my life.

I remember after having dinner at a friends house one night, I drove to the parking lot of the job that I really wanted and didn't get.  I put on some sad tunes, and I cried.  I screamed.  I let all my anger out.  I sat there and asked for something to help me turn this around.  To get back on track.  To know that I am going to be ok.  To know that my life means something.  I wanted to feel alive again.  After sitting there for a good hour, I drove home.

A few more weeks went by and just when I was about to give up on all hope on ever being happy, I got the call.  I GOT THE JOB!!!  The job that I first applied for back in January.  The job that I went on 3 interviews for.  The job that I sat in the parking lot for a hour while having my break down.  I GOT THE JOB!!  I jumped out of bed and ran into Amanda's room and shouted it!  I called everyone I knew shouting it!  And then I sat down and pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming.  You mean, something is actually going right in my life!?  And it was at that moment in time, my faith was restored that there is something greater out there looking out for me. 

Many of you may be thinking, it's just a job.  But for me, it wasn't just another job.  It was the beginning of a career.  It meant not having to deal with immature coworkers, rude guests, nights, weekends, holidays, double shifts only to wonder if I was going to make enough this week to cover my expenses.  It meant that I had finally arrived in the adult world.  It meant a steady paycheck, vacation time, and benefits.  Which to most may seem like nothing, but when you've never had them before, it's everything.

I have now been at my job for almost 2 months.  And while I have had some trials in trying to learn something completely different than waiting tables and slinging drinks, I love my job.  I now park every day (M-F that is) in the parking lot without the tears.  I park there knowing I am walking into my future.  I park there knowing I'm gonna be ok and that at this moment in time....I'm right where I'm suppose to be!

So with that said, my day zero project.  I'm tired of feeling like I felt earlier this summer.  I am tired of hiding behind shadows.  I am tired of starting things only to give up because it was too hard.  Nothing in life comes easy...especially the good things.  I'm tired of giving up.  I will stand strong and prevail.  I have so much to look forward to.  I'm ready to live life once and for all.

So here is my list.  While I haven't come up with all 101 things to do in the next 1,001 days, I will be adding to the list to get to the 101 things and blogging about my journey thru my Day Zero project.  My start date is September 1, 2011 and ending May 30, 2013.

Keeping Up With Day Zero

(I just deleted the old list and linked it to the new one with all 101 things)

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, "WOW! WHAT A RIDE!!"        ~anonymous

The Evils of Life

“May today mark the beginning of the many new joys and accomplishments and a continuation of all of the good things that you have already achieved.”

Throughout my life I have wanted to “start over” or “redo” things. Many times it is because I didn’t like the outcome, or someone didn’t “approve”, or simply because I just made some bad decisions. And although I now know that we aren’t ever put through things that we can’t handle, I still sometimes wonder why me or why did I REALLY have to go through that…couldn’t there have been a simpler way?

Many times I have told others that, “I don’t regret anything I have ever been through because it has made me the person who I am today”, but sometimes I still wonder….who am I??? And do I really have “no regrets” in life??

Am I really that caring person that some see me as? Always wanting to help others out and knowing most of the time I will get screwed over. And do I get screwed over because I am too nice and willing to help someone out? Am I being taken advantage of right now?

Or am I that dark person that no one gets….rude with an “I don’t care” attitude? Am I that person because of the people who use me? Am I becoming jaded to the world around me causing me to be that sarcastic person??

And I guess everybody has two sides to them. It’s that ever “good vs evil” fight that we all go through every day of our lives. You want to believe in the good and be good…but sometimes it is so hard with all the negativity that is around you. But at what point in life do you decided the good will triumph evil or vice versa?

I want the good to triumph over the evil. I want to see the good in everyone. I want to make me happy. I want to be happy.

But for now…I see that the evil is winning and it makes my heart sad to know that my soul is lost…and as much as I want to fix it…to make it all better...it just seems to get harder and harder every day.

I must focus now on what is to come in my life. I can’t look back because I can’t change it…but I can change the broken parts and pull myself up out of the darkness and leave my evils behind. I will transform….I will do it for me and no one else…

So here is to beginnings…my goals and accomplishments…my life….

My Next 30 Years

Remember when you were a kid and your biggest worry was if you'd get a bike for your birthday or if you get to eat chocolate cake for breakfast?? And then comes along the worry of braces and training bras, boys and sororities, and then one day you wake up and BAM!! you're an adult.

Being an adult? Totally overrated....and once you get past the braces, the bras, and the boys...responsibility comes along. It can't be avoided. We are made to face it every day of our lives and if we don't, then you can rest assured that someone else will make you face it or you can suffer the consequences.

Being an adult is responsibility. We have to be places and do things like earn a living and pay bills. It kind of makes the bike and chocolate cake look REALLY good.

But just like I appreciated my last 30 years, I look forward to being an adult and what all of this responsibility is going to do in my life. Maybe one day I'll wake up and eat chocolate cake for breakfast just for the heck of it! :)

So for now, I kick back with a glass of wine as I listen to some good 'ole faithful Tim and reflect on the past, present, and future.....here's to my next 30 years!!

My Next 30 Years

Tim McGraw

I think I'll take a moment, celebrate my age

The ending of an era and the turning of a page

Now it's time to focus in on where I go from here

Lord have mercy on my next 30 years

Hey my next 30 years I'm gonna have some fun

Try to forget about all the crazy things I've done

Maybe now I've conquered all my adolescent fears

And I'll do it better in my next 30 years

My next 30 years I'm gonna settle all the scores

Cry a little less, laugh a little more

Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear

Figure out just what I'm doing here

In my next 30 years

Oh my next 30 years, I'm gonna watch my weight

Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late

Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers

Maybe I'll remember my next 30 years

My next 30 years will be the best years of my life

Raise a little family and hang out with my wife (or husband in my case!!)

Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear

Make up for lost time here, In my next 30 years