Forgiveness

Everyone has been hurt by someone at some point in their life.  Whether it is due to an action or words, each one of us can say that someone has hurt us.  When this happens, we are left with these wounds that seem to hurt deep down in our soul.  We wonder how we are ever going to get through this.  We wonder why has this happened to us.  And in all this wondering, we find ourselves becoming very angry and very bitter towards the person who hurt us.  Sometimes we even feel like we need to gain some type of vengeance towards them.

So what is forgiveness?  What does it mean?  Why should I forgive someone who hurt me this bad?  Why does it seem so easy to hold a grudge over forgiveness?  What does this grudge and resentment end up costing me in the end?  Better yet...where do I start to begin the process of forgiveness?

Back in November, I met this guy.  From the start, we just clicked.  We had so much in common and I found myself wanting my days to get over quickly so that I could skype with him at night and just smile.  Long story short, I invested 6 months of my life into this guy.  Always being there, always emailing, sending packages and cards to him in Afghanistan, counting down the days for him to come home, planning things for when he did come home.

For 6 months, I dealt with the ups and the downs.  I listened to him tell me how much I meant to him.  How he was thankful for me because he didn't know how he could have gotten through all of this without me.  I listened as he told me those three little words, "I love you" and how he made me believe that that was how he truly felt.  So I let him in.  I allowed myself to let down my guard and trust him with all that I had.  After all, isn't that what you are suppose to do when you "love " someone?

But boy was the joke on me!  After sitting there and telling me all these things, he eventually broke my heart.  He wanted someone else and I was left standing there wondering why I wasn't good enough.  I thought for weeks about everything and thought that maybe we could be "just friends."  So I got over it and decided to be his friend.

But once again, joke was on me and in the end I was left with no goodbye, no explanation to his actions, nothing.  I counted down the days for him to come home only for some other girl to enjoy it and to be ignored.  I once again felt like I wasn't good enough...not even good enough to be friends.  I was angry.  I wanted to find this girl and tell her all the things he had told me and to warn her of the type of guy he really was.  How everything out of his mouth was lies.

I was hurt and I wondered how I could let someone do this to me.  How could I allow someone to control my life in such a way to make me think I wasn't good enough.  That I was unlovable.  That I wasn't worth all that I gave.  He made me feel all these things and more.

Some time has passed now and I've thought about a lot of what happened in those 6 months.  I kicked myself for allowing someone to use me the way that he did.  I hated myself for not seeing all the signs that were in flashing lights about walking away a long time ago.  I realized I was drawn to the desire of being loved and not the desire to be in love with someone who wanted to love me unconditionally.

So I ask again, how do you start the process of forgiveness??  How do I forgive him for everything he did to me?  How he made me feel?  How do I forgive him for using me to get what he needed?

I guess you just have to sit back and think about what forgiveness is.  What value does it bring to your life?  What is its importance in your life at any given moment in time?  Do I reflect on the facts of the situation?  How I have reacted?  How do I know when I'm ready to forgive?

I think I reached the point of forgiveness when I decided he wasn't important to me in my life anymore.  I decided that I wasn't going to forgive him and how he used me, but that I was going to forgive him so that my heart could heal and move on.  I am not denying the responsibility of how he hurt me or trying to minimize or even justify the wrong that he did.  I am forigvining him because forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.  I have moved away from my roll as victim and have released the control and power he had over me in my life.  I now know that I will no longer define my life by how I have been hurt.  Forgiveness, it brings a peace that helps you go on with life.

"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person by an emotional link that is stronger than steel.  Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."

~Catherine Ponder~

#35 - Go to a movie by myself

Going to a movie alone....is it pathetic or is it brave?  After all, people today think one of these two things.  You are either pathetic and a loser because you are in a movie all alone.  Or they could be thinking that you are brave because you are capable of sitting by yourself and enjoying the movie.

So I did it.  I finally went to a movie all by myself.  No one to hold my hand.  No one to sit next to me.  Just me.  Alone.  In a seat.  Enjoying my movie.

Before tonight I was one of those people that thought "loser" because someone was sitting alone.  I became that "loser" tonight and in becoming that person I realized this....

I am not a loser.  I am brave.  I am brave because I confronted my fear that society has put on us about being alone.  I am brave because I marched into a crowded theater, popcorn in tow, and plopped down right there in the front row.  Ok...so maybe that part about being in the front row wasn't my choice.  But as I walked towards the front I held my head high and told myself that I could do this.  That I have no shame in my game.  That I, Amy Kathryn, had friends but this was MY CHOICE to enjoy a movie with my other three friends....me, myself, and I.

So I sat there and watched this movie.  I laughed at the funny parts, teared up at "those moments", and completely enjoyed the movie that I saw.  And during this time, for the first time in my life, I didn't have a care what someone else was thinking.  I realized that they weren't there to sit and poke fun of someone sitting alone...people were there to watch a movie.  And even if they were, who cares, I felt liberated to know that I can confront my fears and know I will be ok.

After all....I did survive the great "movie by yourself" and I'm here to blog about it....

Movie: $10.50

Popcorn and Soda: $11.85

Crossing off another Day Zero Item: Priceless

Ok...so my ticket was paper and got a little beaten from setting it down in something on the counter.  Oops!!

"Language has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone.  And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.

~Paul Johannes Tillich~

Dear Stranger

Dear Stranger,
I know that I don't know you and that you also don't know me, but I have some things to ask of you, on which we should agree.  Do you think it is fair to ask that you will never break my heart?  That you will value me as a person - even from the very start?  Do you think you could promise that you will never tell a lie, that you will never ever betray me, or ever make me cry?

Do you think you might want to love me?  To adore my every quirk without ever belittling me or ever acting like a total jerk?  Do you think you would want nothing more than all I could give?  And have the things I do for you be just what you need to live?  Could you tolerate my worst moods and not get upset with me?  Would you let me win a fight or two when we start to disagree?

Do you think it is fair to ask that you not hook up with all my friends?  Will you be faithful to only me until the end?  Do you think you could not judge me and accept me for me?  Will you never keep things hidden?  Will you never make me feel lonely?

I need to know these things.  I need to know that you can do them before I even know your name.  Because if you can't, then tell me so because  I am done with the games.  So here is your chance to be honest, can you be everything that I need?  If you think it is too much to ask, then we shouldn't proceed.  I'm not asking for a lot....I'm just asking for a man.

Love,
"Me"

"Keep love in your heart.  A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.  The consciousness of loving and being loved brings warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring."

~Oscar Wilde~

#23 - Join postcrossing.com and send 10 postcards

So I finally joined postcrossing.com yesterday and received my first 5 addresses to send postcards to.  I'm really excited about this and what little surprises will be sent to my mailbox.  It seems like all I ever get these days are junk mail, coupons, and bills...it'd be nice to just have something from someone just because.

What is postcrossing.com you may ask?  Well...the goal of the project is to allow people to receive postcards from all over the world.  The idea is that if you send a postcard, you will get one in return from someone, somewhere in the world.  I mean...who wouldn't want to get a postcard from different places all over the world?  Plus, you get to turn your mailbox into a box of surprises instead of storage for junk mail, coupons, and bills...and who wouldn't like that?

So here's to my first five people! 
1) Darla in Milford, TX
2) Maria in Chesness, SC
3) Samantha in Columbus, OH
4) Mariya in Sankt-Petersburg, Russia
5) Ravindra in Nugegoda, Sri Lanka

I can't wait to see the postcards I will receive in my mailbox.  I'm pretty sure I'll do more than just 10 - now I just need to find more really cool postcards of Nashville and the historical things around this town!  Off to the post office I go to mail off my postcards!!

Let The Journey Begin

Soooooo...I FINALLY finished my Day Zero List.  It's about time, right!?

I was reminded the other day by a good friend that I needed to stop and enjoy life and live in the moment.  That I shouldn't worry about what hasn't happened or what has already happened that I can't change.  So here I am...living life.  Let the journey begin....

Keeping Up with Day Zero

Love - Complex or Simple?

Love.  It is defined as the emotion of strong affection and personal attachment.  It represents kindness, compassion, and affection.  Some see it as the basis for all being.  So what does all that mean?

So often we find ourselves saying those three little words, "I love you."  And so often we find ourselves saying those words with no real feeling behind them.  Sure, we know what they mean.  "I care about you."  "You matter to me."  "You are pretty awesome."  But shouldn't the words "I love you" mean so much more than that?

After all, we have to take the risk of saying those words and then wonder.  How will they react?  Do they even feel the same way?  Will they say it back?  Will I just get a blank stare?  When is love too much?  What does it really mean to be in love?  What causes us to fall in love?

For centuries we have recited poems, read stories, and watched plays about love.  It is these things that we have relied upon to explain the complexities of love to us.  Is there something wrong with our concept of love?  After all, why should love be so complex when in nature love is something that should be so simple?

I think if we strip down all these complexities and take a real hard look at what love is truly suppose to be, it can best be defined by the following....

"Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in the evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

I Corinthians 13:5-7

How many people do you know who can love unconditionally like that?  Of course everyone desires to be loved.  Love is one of those things you spend your entire life searching for in all the wrong places.  It can make us become bitter and confused and then our perception of love changes.  Some of us start to truly believe that love does not exist.

Our perceptions of love are influenced by our experiences, whether they are good or bad.  Everything we feel along this journey might be a desperate reach for something unattainable or it may be a step in the right direction.  It's almost like it is s trial and error kind of thing.  It is from there we have to decide if we believe in pure, true love and if we can truly strip down to the basis of love and love unconditionally.

So until that point comes, all you can keep doing is learn from the mistakes and hurts and find refuge in a love that is never ending.  Then all that is left is to enjoy the journey.

I do not love you as if you are salt-rose or topaz,

Or the arrows of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain things are to be loved,

In secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms

But carries itself the light of hidden flowers.

Thanks to your love a certain fragrance,

Risen darkly from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love with without knowing how, or when or from where,

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride,

So I love you because I know no other way than this:

Where "I" does not exist, nor "you,"

So close that your hand on my chest is my hand,

So close that your eyes close and I fall asleep.

~Pablo Neruda~

A is for Addiction

Addiction.  Choice or disease?  We see it every day.  The woman who can’t put down the bottle.  The man who can’t keep his eyes and hands to himself.  The teenager who gets high for the feeling of being alive.  It is shocking how many kinds of addictions exist.  Alcoholism, sex, drugs, religion, eating, gambling, shopping.  In all these things, the behavior is open to choice and choices are what distinguish us as human beings.  

So what is the hardest part of kicking a habit??  Wanting to kick it.  Obviously we got addicted for a reason, right!?  So often an addiction starts out as just a normal activity in your life.  Normal that is until at some point it crosses the line into obsessive, compulsive, and out of control.  It becomes the high that we chase after.  A high that makes everything else fade away.  Some say it becomes a disease so powerful that addicts can no longer have free will.  But again, is it a choice or a disease?  Isn’t addiction a behavior?  And don’t we choose how to behave?  How many choices does it take to categorize something as an addiction?

It seems like every time someone thinks that they can’t reverse a choice they have made, the word addiction is attached to their behavior.  Is that what makes an addict feel better about the choice they are making?  Is it suppose to excuse them from making a choice to quit what they say they can’t help doing?  And if you do quit, does that now mean you are addicted to abstinence?  

I believe it is a choice.  A choice to avoid all personal responsibility for the consequences that continue to arise from the poor choices that one has made.  It is a desire for dependence.  “I can’t overcome this on my own, but with your help, maybe i can.” I’m not sure if I am buying that one. You made the initial decision on your own.  Did you ever ask me if I thought it was ok to make that bad choice?  Or is this just a crutch to make you feel better about the bad choices that you have made?

One thing about addiction is that it isn’t going to end until you make that choice to end it.  Eventually, whatever it is that is giving you that high will stop feeling good and will start to hurt.  I’ve been told that people don’t kick the habit until they have hit rock bottom.  So how do you know when you are there?  When all you have left is an empty bottle of alcohol staring you in the face? The empty pack of cigarettes that now causes you to wheeze every time you take a breath? The mounting pile of debt from all your shopping or gambling?  Or is it when every one in your life has stopped talking to you because you’ve left them with no other choice?

Addiction.  

Addiction is that little box you hide in the back of your closet with all your secrets and bad habits.

Addiction is always knowing where your cigarettes are.

Addiction is claiming that smoking is a social activity, but finding yourself smoking alone anyways when all your friends are gone.

Addiction is showing up high for a date.

Addiction is lying about how many drinks you’ve really had.

Addiction is getting drunk four times in one week or during the middle of the day.

Addiction is believing that you’ll be the big winner on the next machine.

Addiction is the $500 in clothes and shoes that you really couldn’t afford.

Addiction is the taste of everything, always the same.

Addiction is telling yourself that you’ll quit “some day.”

Addiction is quitting, but only for the next 4 hours.

Addiction is feeling like this is the only way you know how to live life.

Addiction is always right around the corner.

Addiction is like this.

Addiction is like this.

Addiction is like this.

Addiction is like....

Addiction is like....

Addiction is like.... 

Addiction is....

Addiction is....

Addiction is....

Addiction.  The same thing repeating over and over in your life.

Addiction.  It drowns everyone and every thing else out of your life.

Addiction.

It’s a choice.  A choice about what kind of life you will live.