Let The Journey Begin

Soooooo...I FINALLY finished my Day Zero List.  It's about time, right!?

I was reminded the other day by a good friend that I needed to stop and enjoy life and live in the moment.  That I shouldn't worry about what hasn't happened or what has already happened that I can't change.  So here I am...living life.  Let the journey begin....

Keeping Up with Day Zero

Love - Complex or Simple?

Love.  It is defined as the emotion of strong affection and personal attachment.  It represents kindness, compassion, and affection.  Some see it as the basis for all being.  So what does all that mean?

So often we find ourselves saying those three little words, "I love you."  And so often we find ourselves saying those words with no real feeling behind them.  Sure, we know what they mean.  "I care about you."  "You matter to me."  "You are pretty awesome."  But shouldn't the words "I love you" mean so much more than that?

After all, we have to take the risk of saying those words and then wonder.  How will they react?  Do they even feel the same way?  Will they say it back?  Will I just get a blank stare?  When is love too much?  What does it really mean to be in love?  What causes us to fall in love?

For centuries we have recited poems, read stories, and watched plays about love.  It is these things that we have relied upon to explain the complexities of love to us.  Is there something wrong with our concept of love?  After all, why should love be so complex when in nature love is something that should be so simple?

I think if we strip down all these complexities and take a real hard look at what love is truly suppose to be, it can best be defined by the following....

"Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in the evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

I Corinthians 13:5-7

How many people do you know who can love unconditionally like that?  Of course everyone desires to be loved.  Love is one of those things you spend your entire life searching for in all the wrong places.  It can make us become bitter and confused and then our perception of love changes.  Some of us start to truly believe that love does not exist.

Our perceptions of love are influenced by our experiences, whether they are good or bad.  Everything we feel along this journey might be a desperate reach for something unattainable or it may be a step in the right direction.  It's almost like it is s trial and error kind of thing.  It is from there we have to decide if we believe in pure, true love and if we can truly strip down to the basis of love and love unconditionally.

So until that point comes, all you can keep doing is learn from the mistakes and hurts and find refuge in a love that is never ending.  Then all that is left is to enjoy the journey.

I do not love you as if you are salt-rose or topaz,

Or the arrows of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain things are to be loved,

In secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms

But carries itself the light of hidden flowers.

Thanks to your love a certain fragrance,

Risen darkly from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love with without knowing how, or when or from where,

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride,

So I love you because I know no other way than this:

Where "I" does not exist, nor "you,"

So close that your hand on my chest is my hand,

So close that your eyes close and I fall asleep.

~Pablo Neruda~

A is for Addiction

Addiction.  Choice or disease?  We see it every day.  The woman who can’t put down the bottle.  The man who can’t keep his eyes and hands to himself.  The teenager who gets high for the feeling of being alive.  It is shocking how many kinds of addictions exist.  Alcoholism, sex, drugs, religion, eating, gambling, shopping.  In all these things, the behavior is open to choice and choices are what distinguish us as human beings.  

So what is the hardest part of kicking a habit??  Wanting to kick it.  Obviously we got addicted for a reason, right!?  So often an addiction starts out as just a normal activity in your life.  Normal that is until at some point it crosses the line into obsessive, compulsive, and out of control.  It becomes the high that we chase after.  A high that makes everything else fade away.  Some say it becomes a disease so powerful that addicts can no longer have free will.  But again, is it a choice or a disease?  Isn’t addiction a behavior?  And don’t we choose how to behave?  How many choices does it take to categorize something as an addiction?

It seems like every time someone thinks that they can’t reverse a choice they have made, the word addiction is attached to their behavior.  Is that what makes an addict feel better about the choice they are making?  Is it suppose to excuse them from making a choice to quit what they say they can’t help doing?  And if you do quit, does that now mean you are addicted to abstinence?  

I believe it is a choice.  A choice to avoid all personal responsibility for the consequences that continue to arise from the poor choices that one has made.  It is a desire for dependence.  “I can’t overcome this on my own, but with your help, maybe i can.” I’m not sure if I am buying that one. You made the initial decision on your own.  Did you ever ask me if I thought it was ok to make that bad choice?  Or is this just a crutch to make you feel better about the bad choices that you have made?

One thing about addiction is that it isn’t going to end until you make that choice to end it.  Eventually, whatever it is that is giving you that high will stop feeling good and will start to hurt.  I’ve been told that people don’t kick the habit until they have hit rock bottom.  So how do you know when you are there?  When all you have left is an empty bottle of alcohol staring you in the face? The empty pack of cigarettes that now causes you to wheeze every time you take a breath? The mounting pile of debt from all your shopping or gambling?  Or is it when every one in your life has stopped talking to you because you’ve left them with no other choice?

Addiction.  

Addiction is that little box you hide in the back of your closet with all your secrets and bad habits.

Addiction is always knowing where your cigarettes are.

Addiction is claiming that smoking is a social activity, but finding yourself smoking alone anyways when all your friends are gone.

Addiction is showing up high for a date.

Addiction is lying about how many drinks you’ve really had.

Addiction is getting drunk four times in one week or during the middle of the day.

Addiction is believing that you’ll be the big winner on the next machine.

Addiction is the $500 in clothes and shoes that you really couldn’t afford.

Addiction is the taste of everything, always the same.

Addiction is telling yourself that you’ll quit “some day.”

Addiction is quitting, but only for the next 4 hours.

Addiction is feeling like this is the only way you know how to live life.

Addiction is always right around the corner.

Addiction is like this.

Addiction is like this.

Addiction is like this.

Addiction is like....

Addiction is like....

Addiction is like.... 

Addiction is....

Addiction is....

Addiction is....

Addiction.  The same thing repeating over and over in your life.

Addiction.  It drowns everyone and every thing else out of your life.

Addiction.

It’s a choice.  A choice about what kind of life you will live.

Hold On or Let Go

What am I holding on to?
I need so much but expect so little.
Is the sky falling or am I just floating?
Everything changes when you look at it a different way.
So much passion waiting to be released.
Get a grip and hold on tight - but yet - release the tension.
No one understands.
Maybe that's the whole point.

What are WE holding on to?
Each other?  Very tightly?

Don't let go or you could fall.
Or maybe if you do, you'll find all the answers you've been looking for.
Is the glass half empty or half full?
Either way, something is missing.
Something we are all in search for.
Or is it there and just not for our eyes?

Change who you are.
But stay the same.
Is reality your imagination?
The pain that you hate today could be what you long for tomorrow.
Don't let them tell you that you are insane.

Hold on.
Hold on tight to what you have and experience what you don't.
Feel it.
Do you feel it inside you?
The desire?
Don't be afraid to let it go.
For it will be gone tomorrow.

So what am I holding on to?

"Sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding on to"

Happily Ever After

As children, we grew up believing in the magic of fairy tales and happily ever after.  As little girls, we fantasized about prince charming and we built castles waiting for him to ride in on his white horse.  Even when we had our first puppy love as teenagers, we believed that first boyfriend would play this essential role of prince charming.  As women, we listen to all those perfect love songs played on the radio thinking that one day, he will come.  But with all this hoping and wishing and waiting, when it comes to relationships, is Cinderella just a fairy tale?

We have all seen the personal ads that read.....

"Patiently waiting for my Prince Charming"
"Looking for my Queen."
"In search of my Knight in Shining Armor"
"Wanting a good woman to treat like a Princess"

Well Prince, Princess, Queen, and Knight, what we all want to know is, "Where in the HELL are you?"

Who can blame us though for wanting the fairy tale?  You have little girls growing up believing in things like Sleeping Beauty and Snow White where this handsome prince rushes in to save the day.  You have little boys growing up believing that they are suppose to be the heroes and save the day to win over the princess.  And whatever side you are on, the outcome is still the same.  Happily Ever After.

What we fail to realize though is that they forget to show you the pain that "love" causes.  In these fairy tales there is no cheating, no lying, no jealousy, no complications.  It's just together forever in complete happiness.  What we fail to see is that love has a mind of it's own.  It can be crazy and wild and passionate.  But when love ends, so does the fairy tale, and all you are left with is a tragedy.  The tragedy of wondering if love really does exist.  You are left with the complications of tears, disappointments, and heartaches.  You are left with wondering if prince charming does exist and if you should still have the hope that one day he will show up at your front door.

So what now?  You've finally picked yourself up off the floor.  What do we do now that we've realized that Cinderella IS just a fairy tale?  How do we go about finding someone who can base a relationship off of trust and honesty?  How do we go about finding real love?  And if we are all sitting around waiting to be saved, who is doing the saving?

But that is just it - love isn't meant to save you.  That is not what love is for because no one can make you happy but yourself.  Love is just meant to be there and to let you know that you are not alone.  Maybe you need to be the princess before you can find the prince.  Because until you realize you are worthy of being the princess without the prince,  you're stuck waiting in a tower alone and all you are left with are the toads.

"The hardest thing in life is letting go of what you thought was real."

Day Zero Project

Day Zero Project?  What's this you may ask?  Well, let me explain.  It is a project where you have 1,001 days to complete 101 goals.  1,001 days is just short of 3 years.  In 3 years, I'll be 33 and if you know ANYTHING about me, you know that 33 is my number.  So with that said, let me explain why I am starting this project.

In an earlier blog (ok, so I've been super bad about keeping up with this and really it's the 1st blog a wrote out of the 3 that are posted on here so far)...I talked about how I wanted to live up my next 30 years.  So far, the beginning of my 30 years has been a rough one.  It started out great by spending it in Gatlinburg with some of the best friends a girl could have.  But like most things in my life, I get on this "life is great" high and then next thing you know, SPLAT!  There I am smooshed all over the road again by life.  Downhill from there it went.  I failed at getting a "big girl job."  I failed at trying to restore a friendship.  I failed at taking the CPA exam.  I failed at losing weight.  It just seemed to be one failure after another until one day I woke up and just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, mother nature decided to throw a tantrum and rain on my crap parade.  I lost my job.  I lost my job because the city decided to have a good 'ole flood.  I was stuck without an ark.

When that happened, I gave up.  I thought, "What's the point!?"  No matter how much I wanted to make a "new life" for myself or a "better life", it was like the dark side was saying, "Not today!  I win!" (insert evil laugh)  And so I fell into a deep depression.  I slept all day.  I didn't eat for days and then would turn around and just shove crap in my mouth.  Food and I are not always the best of friends.  It teases me screaming, "Eat me!  I'll comfort you!" and while that satisfaction is there for a brief moment, it never lasts forever.  So long story short, I was back at the pity party stage in my life.

I remember after having dinner at a friends house one night, I drove to the parking lot of the job that I really wanted and didn't get.  I put on some sad tunes, and I cried.  I screamed.  I let all my anger out.  I sat there and asked for something to help me turn this around.  To get back on track.  To know that I am going to be ok.  To know that my life means something.  I wanted to feel alive again.  After sitting there for a good hour, I drove home.

A few more weeks went by and just when I was about to give up on all hope on ever being happy, I got the call.  I GOT THE JOB!!!  The job that I first applied for back in January.  The job that I went on 3 interviews for.  The job that I sat in the parking lot for a hour while having my break down.  I GOT THE JOB!!  I jumped out of bed and ran into Amanda's room and shouted it!  I called everyone I knew shouting it!  And then I sat down and pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming.  You mean, something is actually going right in my life!?  And it was at that moment in time, my faith was restored that there is something greater out there looking out for me. 

Many of you may be thinking, it's just a job.  But for me, it wasn't just another job.  It was the beginning of a career.  It meant not having to deal with immature coworkers, rude guests, nights, weekends, holidays, double shifts only to wonder if I was going to make enough this week to cover my expenses.  It meant that I had finally arrived in the adult world.  It meant a steady paycheck, vacation time, and benefits.  Which to most may seem like nothing, but when you've never had them before, it's everything.

I have now been at my job for almost 2 months.  And while I have had some trials in trying to learn something completely different than waiting tables and slinging drinks, I love my job.  I now park every day (M-F that is) in the parking lot without the tears.  I park there knowing I am walking into my future.  I park there knowing I'm gonna be ok and that at this moment in time....I'm right where I'm suppose to be!

So with that said, my day zero project.  I'm tired of feeling like I felt earlier this summer.  I am tired of hiding behind shadows.  I am tired of starting things only to give up because it was too hard.  Nothing in life comes easy...especially the good things.  I'm tired of giving up.  I will stand strong and prevail.  I have so much to look forward to.  I'm ready to live life once and for all.

So here is my list.  While I haven't come up with all 101 things to do in the next 1,001 days, I will be adding to the list to get to the 101 things and blogging about my journey thru my Day Zero project.  My start date is September 1, 2011 and ending May 30, 2013.

Keeping Up With Day Zero

(I just deleted the old list and linked it to the new one with all 101 things)

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, "WOW! WHAT A RIDE!!"        ~anonymous

The Evils of Life

“May today mark the beginning of the many new joys and accomplishments and a continuation of all of the good things that you have already achieved.”

Throughout my life I have wanted to “start over” or “redo” things. Many times it is because I didn’t like the outcome, or someone didn’t “approve”, or simply because I just made some bad decisions. And although I now know that we aren’t ever put through things that we can’t handle, I still sometimes wonder why me or why did I REALLY have to go through that…couldn’t there have been a simpler way?

Many times I have told others that, “I don’t regret anything I have ever been through because it has made me the person who I am today”, but sometimes I still wonder….who am I??? And do I really have “no regrets” in life??

Am I really that caring person that some see me as? Always wanting to help others out and knowing most of the time I will get screwed over. And do I get screwed over because I am too nice and willing to help someone out? Am I being taken advantage of right now?

Or am I that dark person that no one gets….rude with an “I don’t care” attitude? Am I that person because of the people who use me? Am I becoming jaded to the world around me causing me to be that sarcastic person??

And I guess everybody has two sides to them. It’s that ever “good vs evil” fight that we all go through every day of our lives. You want to believe in the good and be good…but sometimes it is so hard with all the negativity that is around you. But at what point in life do you decided the good will triumph evil or vice versa?

I want the good to triumph over the evil. I want to see the good in everyone. I want to make me happy. I want to be happy.

But for now…I see that the evil is winning and it makes my heart sad to know that my soul is lost…and as much as I want to fix it…to make it all better...it just seems to get harder and harder every day.

I must focus now on what is to come in my life. I can’t look back because I can’t change it…but I can change the broken parts and pull myself up out of the darkness and leave my evils behind. I will transform….I will do it for me and no one else…

So here is to beginnings…my goals and accomplishments…my life….